My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
