this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
