I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
