What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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