Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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