My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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