I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
