I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
