you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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