If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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