Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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