please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
