my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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