I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
