I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
