You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
