Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
