so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
