am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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