i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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