I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
