just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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