i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
