i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just high enough for therapy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
