can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cut my penus on the lid.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
