You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
