i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
