take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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