and she was petting her beer can
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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