I hate your face
In the future we'll all be gay
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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