girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
