I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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