if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
