I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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