On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
