youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
two words: eviction party
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
