That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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