Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
