Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
