is your mom at the bar?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
