sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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