he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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