Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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