I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
