so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
