I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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