I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
