i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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