11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
