remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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