my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
