My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
